When you Finally Stand Up to a Narcissist.

It’s a full moon tonight which means it’s a good time to purge. I need to move past this emotional pain my family has caused me so I can stop obsessing, & attract great things into my life. I have been the scapegoat, being ignored of my accomplishments & dismissed of my ideas & general conversation. I come from a family where favorites were played, and seemed to promote degenerate behavior.

I admit I’ve struggled in my early adulthood with relationships, like REALLY struggled. I seemed to gravitate towards the bad behaviors I was trying to get away from; being disrespected, being ignored, being used, and not being good enough. This wasn’t just my relationship with men but my friendships too, the narcissist queen bee types seem to know who to zone in on. Now I just tend to avoid relationships altogether, which I’m working on.

My Dad had a short temper, but there was a time when I think I was his favorite, when I was doing really well playing soccer. This didn’t go over well with my older siblings especially, because I guess I wasn’t being abused enough. My mother seemed to encourage this behavior. I spent a lot of my childhood wishing I was dead.

I don’t know why it took me so long to become estranged from them. I guess because they got married & had kids, making them a good person, right? My sister had her first baby when she was 18, & I adored her kids. My first niece was only 10 years younger than me, but the weird thing was once grand-kids came into the picture it was all about them but in a good way. I babysat for my nieces all the time, their father was in and out of jail so my sister needed all the help she could get. I was a kid myself but I was happy to do it. My nieces were always full of laughter so they were easy to be around. At the time I thought I was just being a good sister & aunt, but as time went on & years passed I realized I was just being used to babysit.

I felt lost for a long time in my late teens & early twenties. I didn’t have any kind of guidance or direction, I had very little self-confidence & felt really lost. Around this time my older brother’s wife Denise took me under her wing, & acted like a friend & confidant. I looked up to her & appreciated some of her advice, but what I didn’t realize at the time was I was being manipulated by a narcissist. It wasn’t until I started getting older & gaining more confidence how this relationship turned into someone she thought could manipulate & abuse.

There became a point when I started to distance myself because I would always leave their house feeling bad about myself. I was constantly being talked over when I would go over there, and in a very blatant rude tone. When she started expressing her concerns to other family members about me not coming to visit anymore, I decided to write her a heart felt letter via email (because as an introvert that’s what we do). I don’t remember my words exactly, but it was a very honest heartfelt letter about how she made me feel when I would go to their house. This did not go over well.

When she responded she decided to cc just about everyone in my family to humiliate me & put me on blast. How dare I say these things & I was a coward for writing them in a letter instead of calling (like she would have let me get a word in). She also said because I was not married & didn’t have children that my life was meaningless, & I was selfish miserable person. These words hurt the most, especially because I always wanted love & a family of my own, I just never found it. But I think even worse was that not a single person in my family came to my defense to even say she was wrong. And she even went to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving the next month, to schmooze with the rest of my family. I felt so betrayed, and took the silence from the rest of the family as acceptance. All the years I spent babysitting my sister’s kids & she couldn’t even stick up for me & even seemed to encourage this “Jenn bashing”.  In the following years she would invite my Dad over to her house, and he never would visit anyone else.  It was like ha ha I got your family wrapped around my finger bitch!

This event with my sister in law showed me where I stood with my family. And when my Father passed away 2 years ago, I wasn’t surprised by the awful, selfish behavior that was displayed by my family. But that event I will save for another blog. I feel a little lighter after telling this story & I thank you for “listening”. I know there are people out there that care & unfortunately experienced the wrath of a narcissist in one form or another.

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Moving Into my New Place

Moving Into My New Place

On a tight budget and limited time, I had to find a new place closer to my new job. I found a 250 square foot loft for $760 a month. First month was half off, and the pet deposit was waived. Since I don’t have any furniture, it didn’t make sense to pay a little more for a bigger place on such a tight budget.

This first day I moved in I noticed an unsightly hole near my lock, and the door itself looked poorly maintained with lots of dents and a poor paint job. The place wasn’t painted, and there were lots of scuffs on the walls and stains on the floor. I thoroughly documented this as I didn’t want to be held responsible for this when I move out.

Next was the mailbox, I couldn’t open it with the key they gave me. I emailed the leasing agent with a picture of my door, which she responded that they ordered a new one. Then I dropped by the management office to drop off the documented checklist & mentioned I couldn’t get into my mailbox. She said I would have a new mailbox key by Monday, and as for my front door a new one was ordered. I asked if I would be notified ahead of time before they come, because I want to make sure my cat doesn’t get out. She said they would let me know before they come.

Monday was my first day at my new job, and when I came home there was a card on the counter with 2 keys under it mentioning maintenance was in the apartment. I looked at from door and didn’t notice any changes, and my cat was scared shitless upstairs. And of course, I still couldn’t get into my mailbox.

I emailed the leasing agent to inquire who was in my apartment & what did they do. Her reply was maintenance came to fix my front door, and did I have a problem getting into my door over the weekend. I replied I couldn’t get into my mailbox, and she agreed there was some miscommunication.

As the days pass I still can’t get into my mailbox, my Wi-Fi still hasn’t been set up yet, a big hurricane is on the way, and I have limited access to the rest of the world. By today, a week later I was finally able to get into my mailbox with the right key. And just in time, there was a notice from Duke Energy stating they were about to shut off my electric because I didn’t send the deposit. With no access to internet, my mail, and my lights were about to be shut off. Good thing I was able to pay them over the phone. I hope things get a little smoother from here. At this point I have little confidence with the people managing this building. I hope they don’t screw things up with this front door, and that I’m properly notified so I make sure my cat is secured. My plan is to stay here for a year, save some money, and find a better place. Sometimes I feel like my sanity is being tested, and sometimes I pass and other times I fail that test.

Narcissist Mothers

For a long time, I’ve distanced myself from my family, or at least tried to. Growing up there were 5 kids, the first 3 were at least 10 years older and I have a brother 2 years younger (making me #4). My Dad was abusive, and my Mom was an attention seeking narcissist. My Dad was a narcissist too but in a different way. Love was scarce and a source of competition, sibling rivalry was fierce. And for the short time when I was Dads favorite in my soccer days, I quickly became the enemy, the one sought out to be destroyed.

My Dad left in my last year of high school and he moved to Pennsylvania. This is when my Mom started to divert all her abuse she endured over the years and projected it onto me. If it weren’t her words to try to manipulate me to feel worthless, it was her rage when I started growing into something else other than a little version of herself. Narcissists don’t want to see you for who you are, they want to see themselves through you, or create a little version of themselves. This is what makes them proud, look at that little version of me!

When I lived at home my Mom would deliberately make things difficult for me while enabling my younger brother. If I was going to school she would create distractions, pick arguments, and do anything she could to throw me of course. There were times when it worked, and for a time I couldn’t stay focused in school and ended up dropping out. These were in my younger years before I knew better and didn’t fully realize this was a game being played. She was also very good at pinning me and my siblings against each other with a he said she said. It was a great way for her to gain as much attention as possible and turn everyone else against me, and she was excellent at it (& still is)!

The first time I stopped talking to my mother I was made to feel extremely guilty. How could you stop talking to your mother? I wish I had my mother around! Some day you’ll regret this! This were all tactics to make me feel guilty, and some of these words were spewed by other narcissists (I’ve dealt with many!). But what I cam to realize is I was distancing myself from her toxicity for my own mental health. It doesn’t matter who people are, you can still love them and not want them in your life. If they make you that unhappy, cause you harm in any way, or destroy your other relationships you need to cut the cord!

I’ve come to a point in my life where I lost my Dad a year and a half ago, and I don’t know how much longer my Mom will be here. I try to keep a relationship with her even though she still pins my siblings against me. When she’s gone I can finally cut them off for good, as they have been extremely toxic towards me as well.  I have no tolerance where I’m ignored, belittled, dismissed, left out, because these are subtle forms of abuse.

On the brighter side I’ve managed to have a few great friends in my life who I can call family. I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in Business 2 years ago (first one in the family to graduate college). And I am comfortable with who I am & put my best foot forward every day. I am not where I want to be but have the courage and perseverance to keep pushing forward. We can’t choose our families, but we have control over who we are to ourselves. There are role models out there we just have to find them, and I really believe all the experiences in life good or bad mold us into who we are. And I like me even if other people don’t. Sometimes we awaken during a storm.

#narcissistmother  #toxicfamily #healing #narcissist #growing #lifelessons

Job Offer

I mentioned to other day how upset I was after it seemed I was “ghosted” after an interview. I obsessively checked my email for days waiting for a response. After I didn’t get a response from my email or phone message I decided to pen one last letter with my feelings.  I said I assumed I didn’t get the position but would have appreciated a response with the effort I put into the interview. It turns out she did respond last night & apologized for the delay as it was busy at the end of the month. I was offered a part-time position (30-35 hours) on a contract basis with a possibility for full-time. In the closing of my email I said this wasn’t meant to be. Or is it a sign that it is meant to be? It’s weird how things work out sometimes.  #joboffer #biginterview

Ghosted

I had an interview last week. I took a half a day at my temp job & drove 100 miles to get to the interview (each way). I thought it went well, we talked for almost an hour. It was a small firm but had a lot of potential to grow into other practice areas. I like small firms because there are less office politics. I would be dealing with clients and owning my own work. I was told that there would be a hiring decision by the end of the week & I promptly sent my thank you letter. Friday came and went & I heard nothing. By Monday I decided to send an email, so the interviewer knew I was strongly interested. I heard nothing, now by Wednesday & checking my email obsessively for the last 3 days I decided to give her a call. No response, and it seems I have been ghosted. All the trouble I went through for this interview and I was discarded like trash. I guess this is a blessing in disguise because who would want to work for someone like that. But at the same time, I need a full-time job so I can get a roof over my head. Is that too much to ask? I’ve waited an extremely long time for this, when oh when will it be my turn?

#jobhunting #jobsearching #jobinterview

Where Am I?

I’m sitting here in a strange place, not sure what’s coming next. You could say it’s an adventure, but it would be more fun if I knew where my next check was coming from. Every day’s a mystery, am I going to get that job offer? Is it going to be my last day on my temp assignment? How did I wind up in this position? I didn’t have kids, didn’t marry a bum, didn’t do drugs, but I worked my ass off to go to school & ended up homeless. How is this possible? Where in the world did I go wrong? I pray that God has a plan, to make me one day understand all of this. I think he is telling me to write so I am. I hope by writing I can inspire and help others in their struggles. To know we are not alone, that life is a big learning process. One day it will all make sense, I know it will.

#goals #homelessness #dreams #prayer