It’s a full moon tonight which means it’s a good time to purge. I need to move past this emotional pain my family has caused me so I can stop obsessing, & attract great things into my life. I have been the scapegoat, being ignored of my accomplishments & dismissed of my ideas & general conversation. I come from a family where favorites were played, and seemed to promote degenerate behavior.
I admit I’ve struggled in my early adulthood with relationships, like REALLY struggled. I seemed to gravitate towards the bad behaviors I was trying to get away from; being disrespected, being ignored, being used, and not being good enough. This wasn’t just my relationship with men but my friendships too, the narcissist queen bee types seem to know who to zone in on. Now I just tend to avoid relationships altogether, which I’m working on.
My Dad had a short temper, but there was a time when I think I was his favorite, when I was doing really well playing soccer. This didn’t go over well with my older siblings especially, because I guess I wasn’t being abused enough. My mother seemed to encourage this behavior. I spent a lot of my childhood wishing I was dead.
I don’t know why it took me so long to become estranged from them. I guess because they got married & had kids, making them a good person, right? My sister had her first baby when she was 18, & I adored her kids. My first niece was only 10 years younger than me, but the weird thing was once grand-kids came into the picture it was all about them but in a good way. I babysat for my nieces all the time, their father was in and out of jail so my sister needed all the help she could get. I was a kid myself but I was happy to do it. My nieces were always full of laughter so they were easy to be around. At the time I thought I was just being a good sister & aunt, but as time went on & years passed I realized I was just being used to babysit.
I felt lost for a long time in my late teens & early twenties. I didn’t have any kind of guidance or direction, I had very little self-confidence & felt really lost. Around this time my older brother’s wife Denise took me under her wing, & acted like a friend & confidant. I looked up to her & appreciated some of her advice, but what I didn’t realize at the time was I was being manipulated by a narcissist. It wasn’t until I started getting older & gaining more confidence how this relationship turned into someone she thought could manipulate & abuse.
There became a point when I started to distance myself because I would always leave their house feeling bad about myself. I was constantly being talked over when I would go over there, and in a very blatant rude tone. When she started expressing her concerns to other family members about me not coming to visit anymore, I decided to write her a heart felt letter via email (because as an introvert that’s what we do). I don’t remember my words exactly, but it was a very honest heartfelt letter about how she made me feel when I would go to their house. This did not go over well.
When she responded she decided to cc just about everyone in my family to humiliate me & put me on blast. How dare I say these things & I was a coward for writing them in a letter instead of calling (like she would have let me get a word in). She also said because I was not married & didn’t have children that my life was meaningless, & I was selfish miserable person. These words hurt the most, especially because I always wanted love & a family of my own, I just never found it. But I think even worse was that not a single person in my family came to my defense to even say she was wrong. And she even went to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving the next month, to schmooze with the rest of my family. I felt so betrayed, and took the silence from the rest of the family as acceptance. All the years I spent babysitting my sister’s kids & she couldn’t even stick up for me & even seemed to encourage this “Jenn bashing”. In the following years she would invite my Dad over to her house, and he never would visit anyone else. It was like ha ha I got your family wrapped around my finger bitch!
This event with my sister in law showed me where I stood with my family. And when my Father passed away 2 years ago, I wasn’t surprised by the awful, selfish behavior that was displayed by my family. But that event I will save for another blog. I feel a little lighter after telling this story & I thank you for “listening”. I know there are people out there that care & unfortunately experienced the wrath of a narcissist in one form or another.